Beer and STD

Beer and STD's
A libertarian point of view

Bureaucrats' outrageous new claim:
Higher beer taxes prevent gonorrhea

       WASHINGTON, DC -- Clap if you believe this: Higher taxes on
beer can prevent gonorrhea.

        At least, that's what the federal government says. But
Libertarians are taking that claim with, well, not a dose of
penicillin -- but a dose of healthy skepticism.

        "If gonorrhea is the disease, then higher taxes are not the
cure," said George Getz, the party's press secretary. "After all,
gonorrhea can be cured with a single shot. But taxes last forever, are
impervious to antibiotics, and can re-infect our paycheck every time
politicians start lusting after our money."

        According to a controversial report issued last week by the
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDCP), raising the tax on a
six-pack of beer by 20c could reduce gonorrhea by 9%.

        The CDCP based its findings on a study of gonorrhea rates in
states that boosted alcohol taxes between 1981 and 1995. According to
the CDCP, the higher the new taxes on beer, the lower the rate of
sexually transmitted disease.

        Although the CDCP did not claim that cheap beer directly caused
gonorrhea, it suggested that cheap beer led to more drinking, which in
turn led to more "risky sexual behavior" among young people.

       Libertarians are concerned, however, that the CDCP report could
>lead to more risky "taxual" behavior among politicians.

        "If there is one thing more desperate than a Happy Hour
Casanova at closing time, it's a tax-happy politician promiscuously
looking for revenue in all the wrong places," said Getz. "But taxing
beer will no more protect people from gonorrhea than taxing cigars will
protect White House interns from Bill Clinton."

       In fact, the most irritating aspect of the CDCP report, said
Getz, is that it will probably be used by politicians to justify higher
taxes on beer "for our own good" -- even though taxes already make up
43% of the cost of a typical bottle of beer.

       "When it comes to beer taxes, politicians just can't say no,"
he said. "That's why Libertarians have a better idea: Instead of
protecting Americans from the alleged dangers of cheap beer, let's
protect Americans from the most frightening STD of all -- the Selfish
Tax Desire that infects politicians."

       So are Libertarians 100% opposed to any new anti-gonorrhea tax?
Not necessarily, said Getz.

      "Libertarians would be happy to consider a new tax on
government bureaucrats who write scientifically dubious reports to
justify higher taxes," he said. "That money could then be used to
subsidize the price of expensive imported beer, so society's most
vulnerable members -- beer drinkers without a lot of money -- won't
have to continue to suffer the scourge of cheap beer.

      "After all, if cheap beer causes disease, then Heineken must be
medicine. And if taxing just one bureaucrat would save just one person
from having to drink cheap beer, wouldn't it be worth it?"

        Wait a second: Is a Libertarian really calling for higher
taxes? Of course not, said Getz.

       "Libertarians never support any new tax, unlike Republican and
Democratic politicians," he said. "That's why, when it comes to
gonorrhea or taxes, Americans need to use protection. And the best
prophylactic measure against new taxes -- on beer or anything else --
is to vote Libertarian."

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