Does Anyone Know How To Drive Anymore?

First things first, I was compelled to write this column because I have done a lot of driving recently during my honeymoon and the experience is still fresh in my mind.

Origination: Nashville, TN

Destination: Orlando, FL (Walt Disney World to be exact)

Length of trip by car: 12-13 hours

Idiots on the road: Too many to count

I am using my recent trip as an example, but how many times do you get in the car and drive somewhere and feel like you are the only one on the road that knows what the hell they are doing? Not trying to brag and say how good of a driver I am, but I feel that way almost every time I climb in my car.

Let’s go through some scenarios that I encountered on my journey as master of the highway. I’m sure many of you other good drivers have spotted these idiots:

The Drifter

Anyone ever go to pass someone on the highway and they suddenly start drifting in your lane, sometimes even running you off the road? That happened to me the day after my wedding. Some jerk-off was all by himself in the right lane with no one around him. I was going a safe 75 (speed limit was 70) using my cruise control when I drifted over to the passing lane to coast by this slower vehicle. As I get the front of my car along side of his, suddenly he starts to drift over in my lane. For a second I didn’t panic, but then he kept coming over. Next thing I know he’s half in my lane and I have my left tires on the shoulder and almost in the grass. If not for the tremendous handling of my ’98 Cavalier I could have easily flipped the car in a ditch. Of course he suddenly veers back in his lane and realizes he was drifting. This really pissed me off and even though it did me no good, I was cussing big time once I got along side of him.

Solution to this idiot’s problem: If tired, pull off the road somewhere or turn up the radio or drink some caffeine or roll down the window, something! Just wake your ass up and watch the road!

The Speed-Up/Slow-Down Guy Or Gal

While this idiot can be most easily classified in the Redneck grouping, there are others and of all ages. This idiot is either speeding up and slowing down intentionally or just never watches it’s speed.

Have you ever tried to pass someone and they speed up right as you are passing them leaving you stuck in the passing lane? Join the club. Happens all the time to me. Those are the idiots that toy with you on the road because they think it’s funny. Newsflash pal, it’s not.

How about the idiots that speed up and pass you only to slow down once they get right along side of you? One of two things are happening in that case. Either they are not watching their speed and forgot that when you get to a hill you need to accelerate or you were being the previous idiot we just described, speeding up so he/she cannot pass. I trust most of you wouldn’t do that, so for our purposes here, the other guy was just being stupid.

Here’s another one…

You just turned to an on-ramp for the interstate. You are behind some schmo driving all of 30 MPH. Why on earth do you go so slow when you need to go so fast? The on-ramp is for speeding up to interstate speeds so you can merge into traffic. You don’t go 30 MPH and then hit your brakes at the bottom of the ramp so you find a clear lane to merge into, ok? Those of you idiots that do that, you are going to get someone killed. Those of us good drivers are speeding up and looking down the ramp at the interstate as we are going down preparing to find a spot to merge into. DO NOT slam on your brakes at the end of the ramp. Now there are situations where brakes do need to be used on the ramp and that’s called construction. I don’t think that includes the 84 year-old man in Lake City, FL that had a wide-open interstate but still had to go 30 MPH and brake at the bottom of the ramp almost compelling me to rear-end his little red Tempo!

Which brings me to a little side note….

I believe that people over the age of 70 need to be regularly tested for driving skills. That may sound mean, but there are rules of the road and they need to be followed by everyone. If you can’t do it anymore, than you don’t need to be in a car.

Solution to this idiot’s problem: Cruise Control once on the interstate (if you are this idiot and you don’t have cruise control, watch your speedometer. For the on-ramp loser, you need to take a driving course and pay particular attention to the interstate or highway discussions.

The Left Lane Loser

Those of you reading this outside of the United States, you may have to take this as the right lane depending on which side of the road you normally drive on. For this example I will use what is most firmly implanted in my brain – the left lane is the passing lane.

Ok good drivers, you still with me? This last problem is the biggest problem and it seems to be getting worse and worse every year on the highways across this country. Ever encounter the idiot that lives in the left hand lane? The idiot that will go under the speed limit and stay in the passing lane? I bet you see this daily if you travel the highways a lot of the time.

It’s a joke. You should never have to pass on the right side (except in a major metropolitan area when there 6 or more lanes).

Why is everyone driving in this lane all of a sudden? In today’s society, people don’t like to wait and they like to get places quicker. So the speed limits have been increased in some states, cars are faster, etc. This is great but it does not entitle you schmucks that go exactly 65 or 70 or under the speed limit to stay in that lane. You can go in that lane to pass other slow cars but that’s it. If you are in the way of faster cars, move the hell over!!!

I can’t say how aggravating this is. It happened over and over again in Florida and Georgia. Tennessee wasn’t that bad because I only had 1.5 hours of driving in that state.

This is a big 10-4 out to you truckers out there….

Stay in the right lane!!! You have no business getting in the passing lane except to pass a really slow vehicle. Just because you are driving faster than you should be doesn’t warrant you being in the passing lane with all that cargo you are carrying. Why? Because you idiots seem to find a hill when you want to pass.

Newsflash: Semi-Trucks and hills do not mix well. All you do is back traffic up when you try to pass that slower truck on a hill. You go to pass it and find out that you are not so fast either on a hill.

Not all truckers are that way. Keep this in mind though truckers, drive like an idiot too much and someone is going to get mad enough to call that 800 number on the back of your truck that says "how’s my driving?"

Solution to this idiot’s problem: Stay in the right lane unless you have to pass.

These were problems witnessed several times on my recent highway travels.

For those of you who are good drivers and can relate to everything I have said, please move out to the southeast so I can drive along side other good drivers!

Keep the faith,

Jeff "nearing roadrage" Schreiner